Seventh of November

Why am I forever caged in this large house to be hurt, scorned and ridiculed against? I know I will be punished even before the crime is set. John Reed, a stout and ill-mannered boy, will surely set his day out just to taunt and torment me as I flee in terror without any assistance or scolding to him. John was fourteen years old, four years older than I was yet he lacked much maturity as I see it. Through, no one would say a word about John’s cruel acts or his sisters, Eliza and Georgiana misbehavior rather others would praise them on other things about how educated and gracious they are. When it came to me I was naughty and a wicked girl that was ungracious to her superiors and given chastisement by Mrs. Reeds.

Continued

John made it perfectly clear that nothing in the house was mine, not even the book I was reading and how it would all be his. He liked to see me in terror and unrest and thrived in my pain. John took his time and knocked me sideways forcing my head to a wall from where I was sitting. Blood streamed down my side in a steady flow John watched in sly contempt. Not once did Mrs. Reed ever regard her son to be the cause of the misbehavior, or rather did not want to admit it. I am cast out from the family of my uncle’s and pushed out without the slightest reason. I am always punished and put away from everyone to see and forgotten. Their coldness is constantly enclosing me, their bitterness is black to the very core.

Nineteenth of January

I will never forget what Mrs. Reeds has done. There is no reason for her to call me “wicked” or “naughty” to me or to anyone else. I am not like her John or her despicable daughters, I know I have faults but they never were in the way of wrong. My father, my mother and my uncle see what she has done to me and watch over me. It must burn her to think that even I know that even if my parents are dead and were not very wealthy people that they know that she punished me to be alone and separated from her children and herself. I just do not understand that why in my loneliness and despair she keeps me away.

Continued

Mrs. Reeds has no right to scold me the presence of others and directly imply that I am a “naughty child addicted to falsehood and deceit” as said by Mr. Brocklehurst. If I am to go to school, I hope that it is for the better and that my time would be at ease. From what I understand Mr. Brocklehurst does not like me much judging by the fact that he gave the “Child’s Guide” for children with delinquency. For this journey I pray that I make it safe in the confines of the new school.

Early June

So, this is loss in its prime form. I wonder how Helen Burns is doing in heaven. She was a bright and happy soul I could see it with my own eyes. I hope that Helen is in peace and I am very glad I could spend some time with her. Helen was a person that was not easily swayed and had her own uniform opinion of different topics. Her skin was ice to the touch, colder than mine on that chilly night. How I wish that I had a few more moments with her kind character! There is nothing more like an abyss where her smile and book used to be in my memory.

Continued

Helen's optimism to all topics shone like the stars on a dark night. Her time at Lowood was too much now that I reflect on it. Always to take the lash by a cruel teacher, thought she prevailed to be humble and reserve in all she did. Yes, Helen Burns was at times forgetful, lost in thought, or transported by reading her books to another place but she had more wisdom to give than a whole speech given by Mr. Brocklehurst.

January

Everything has been so pleasant with few company and quiet dwelling such as this large and marvelous house. It is enchanting to think that this house is kept well and the master, who ever he is, does not stay long. Though at times I do wonder what they would be like. Would he have a large family? Younger or older siblings? Is their more children for me to govern? All these questions fill my mind and clutter like an small room with too many furniture yet another day passes and still no sign of the master of this house. I will enjoy these days of bliss without much complaint on my part. My student is a bit wild and struck with fancies of night life and wondrous parties, but she has a heart for learning.

Few days later...

At last an unexpected arrival from the master! My mind may finally be at ease. I shall kept a calm composure and regard very carefully. I do not wish to anger my employer. Mr. Rochester. His name is unfamiliar to me, his character more so. His disposition eludes me. I believe that all will work to be for the best. In our brief encounters I feel as though he and I are on opposite sides of the room just waiting to respond to any sort of test to our character. If anything goes astray then I can advertise for my talents else where. There is nothing keeping me from leaving.