WEEK 6

The Dark Chapter

Only a few know about my situation at home. I, my younger sister, and my older brother live independently. My father passed away last two years, and my mother is staying on her work. 

At home, I am the one who burdens the obligations and responsibilities, from house chores, budgeting, paying bills, and others that a parent is supposed to do except working and financing the family. This past month and this week, I feel tired and exhausted. Maybe my classmates won't believe me because they knew me, who is cheerful and the motivator. 

But this week, I keep on telling myself that this is unfair, I am tired of doing these obligations, I'm tired, and I'm on the peak where I want to leave our house, so I don't need to do all the obligations that left on me because of the absence of our parent. I cannot find any motivation at all. I want to run away and focus on myself without thinking about my heavy duties that I need to attend.

Ever since, my brother never became the big bro to us; since he left the house before, I replaced him as an elder to the family, and all the things he was supposed to do for the family passed on me. My brother doesn't help at home; he and my younger sister are depending on me. That's why I feel it is so unfair. Even I told my mother she doesn't get what I am experiencing. So, I choose not to speak anymore and trying to ignore my frustrations.

I'm the type of person where I contain my feelings inside of me. I want to express myself shared it with my friends, but I don't want to because I don't want to ask for their time; they are busy.  I don't want to give them a negative vibe. Aside from that, I already know what they will say, and it will not change anything.

I haven't felt that my family appreciates me for all the things I have done for our family, so I want to disappear, and maybe, they might see my value and worth; they might perhaps grasp that I have an important role in their lives. They will learn how to be independent in life, but they will never realize that unless my presence is gone.

I used to motivate others, but now I cannot find a way to keep myself motivated. So, I decided to isolate myself, and I don't want to talk to people because the more I interact with others, the more I feel exhausted.

Well, the truth is I cannot leave the house because I have no money yet to rent a home, and even I'm tired of all the responsibilities that I have on my shoulder, I feel exhausted and demotivated. I still can't leave my mother and little sister. I want to be selfish yet I couldn't. But if I can live independently, I will grab the opportunity to regain myself.